It was ‘just a scare’

It turns out that I am the girl who cried mets! So incredibly relieved to be told that whatever it is that is lurking in my brain has gone from ‘tiny’ to even tinier and therefore, although the scan report says that it ‘remains indeterminate….. it’s not confirmatory for brain metastasis’. It’s been suggested that further surveillance is probably wise and my brain MRIs will move from 6 monthly to 3 monthly but compared to what I thought I was going to be told, that I can live with!

What is it I hear you ask? Well – who knows! The best explanation I have been given is essentially it is the downside of very accurate imaging technology combined with very regular scans. In other words – if you can someone often enough you’ll find things – in my case a little spot of hyperintensity that doesn’t want to be identified.

I was due to have my results appointment today but my doctor went above and beyond and was able to call me only a few hours after my scan on Monday to give me the good news. I intended to blog straight away but have found myself pretty much without words. My conversation with my doctor was a combination of me crying and saying thank you rather a lot and generally being pretty incoherent. I have to assume he’s used that – he was certainly very kind and polite!

I was so utterly caught out by the phone call and even more so by the fact that all of this terror that had been building up over the last 4 weeks wasn’t really sure where to go. I could barely sleep on Monday night as was just too overexcited that for now, it’s all ok. I can keep taking my pills, I don’t need to worry about changing/accessing new treatments, I don’t have to worry about the potential short and long terms side effects and I don’t need to think about what it all would mean for my prognosis. Instead, I can just carry on….

Funnily yesterday was much harder – the ridiculous heat didn’t help but actually I think I was also struck down by the massive post adrenaline dip and just a general lack of belief that it wasn’t what it all looked like. It’s always really hard to move from anxiety and terror to relief…. it takes a while!

So, it’s taken me a couple of days to update my blog and all I really want to say is phew and to reiterate what I wrote last week – I am incredibly grateful and hugely appreciative of quite how much love, kindness and thoughtfulness has been shown to Andy and I and hope to all my nearest and dearest over the last month. It was, without doubt, a truly horrible 4 weeks. I, as I so often am, cannot help being a little embarrassed about all the drama and do wonder if I should’ve said nothing until the second scan but in all honesty – I don’t think we would have made it through the last month in one piece (which would’ve been unfortunate under the circumstances) without all the extraordinary support we received. So a huge thank you to everyone and now back to searching somewhat fruitlessly for a last minute holiday……

This little chap was purchased by my excellent sister and before she had a chance to give him to me he was savaged by her lovely dog and therefore had to be mended by her fair hand (Claire’s not the dogs) in order to accompany me to my scan. So it seems that from now on I shall have to take the tiny good luck care bear as well as my special good luck card with a 4 leafed clover to each and every scan!