So – 1 week to go. I’m due to have my follow-up brain MRI next Monday morning (18th July) and then my results late morning next Wednesday (20th). As I said in the previous post, it may well be that this scan also proves to be inconclusive.
Ideally my doctor had wanted a 5 or 6 week wait between scans but due to his holiday commitments it would have ended up being 7 weeks and I just couldn’t wait that long. So, it may well be that whatever the ‘tiny’ something is that has caused such a disproportionate massive amount of distress remains unchanged and therefore we’re none the wiser. I assume if that is the case then it’ll then be another wait for another scan to see what it is. (Although without the wonderful possibility it was just an error).
As I’m sure you can imagine, it’s been really, really hard. The endless headfuckery loops have been whirling around and the infinite number of ‘what ifs’ are driving us all mad. It turns out that it’s a bit awkward to suggest that all of this might make my brain explode or any of the many phrases that mention my my poor befuddled mind …. it’s a minefield.
The big question that I failed to answer in my last biog is that if it’s potentially just an anomaly or an error – why couldn’t I dive into a scanner there and then and see if it’s still there? To be totally honest, despite what I’ve been saying to all those who’ve asked, I’m not completely sure – but my understanding is that whilst that might rule out whether it’s literally a scan error it wouldn’t really tell us if it’s either a something else or cancer. The best way to work that out is to see if there’s any change. So some of what has been freaking me out over the last few weeks is simply the idea that we’re waiting to see if this bastard ‘thing’ grows or multiplies in a cancer-y type of way or whether it stays completely the same or whether it disappears.
I have tried to put it to one side on the basis that it might turn out to be nothing and therefore it’s a waste of worry but seeing as melanoma does seem to love the brain, they scan my brain to check it hasn’t gone there and something has shown up – that line of thought hasn’t worked very well. However there is definitely a bit of me that is clinging on to a bit of hope about it all and with that in mind (see, impossible not to refer to my poor head), I do feel like I shouldn’t completely freak out. At least right now I have got some hope but possibly next week that’ll be gone and it’ll be a question of adapting to a new and much scarier reality so the bit of hope I have right now is rather precious.
I have also tried to prepare for the worst but it turns out that’s not really a thing. I don’t think assuming the worst and allowing no room for any other possibility will actually make it any easier if I do get bad news next week. Way back in 2013 when I knew deep down that my cancer had metastasised it was still the worst moment of my life when I was told that it actually had. Plus, at the moment, I’m still basically too frightened to think about the implications of what it’ll mean and so there are limits to how far down that thought path I’m willing to go.
So what have I been doing. Well obviously I’ve been running and throwing my kettlebell around as that’s just what I seem to do. I have discovered that you can’t cry when you run – it really hurts – so on a couple of occasions I’ve had to pause and sit on a bench until I’d got my emotions back in check. But, other than my massive sob all over Andy when I left the hospital last month there hasn’t been much crying. Instead we’ve been staying really, really busy. Lots of socialising, lots of walks, coffees, evenings out and both Andy and I have been incredibly well looked after by our very wonderful friends and family.
It seems so cliched to say but it helps so much. The whole experience of having cancer and living with stage IV is generally incredibly lonely and isolating but actually this last few weeks I have felt so looked after that I haven’t felt at all alone – instead I’ve felt incredibly comforted by wonderful company. Alongside all the coffees and lunches I’ve also had a steady stream of absolutely beautiful flowers and lovely thoughtful messages and the most spectacularly relaxing reflexology session oh and just through the post now an excellent jigsaw puzzle to keep me calm. So really as well as an update with very little information I really just wanted to say an enormous thank you to all of those around me who have reached out and made me feel loved and in this current headfuck of a situation totally understood.
Now with the nerves and anxiety really ramping up with just a week to go it’s back to crossing everything that it all turns out to be a storm in a teacup!
lucysmelanomaadventure 