I feel like I ought to update my blog as I’ve been a little quiet of late but to be honest there’s really not a lot to say. I’m still in limbo. I’ve had two doses of Pembro (third one due next week) and thankfully the second dose didn’t lead to the horrid joint pain I got after the first one so I’m hoping that was just a freaky one-off. I seem to be quite tired for a few days after treatment and I’ve developed another large splodge of vitiligo on my arm but other than that no other side effects so I’m relieved to be getting off quite lightly but also a little nervous that limited side effects might mean the treatment isn’t working….. but it’s probably best not to go there. For now, I’m trying very hard not to worry until I’m told there’s something to worry about but to be honest the fears do keep bubbling up. I’m very frightened that Pembro won’t work for me and that when I have my scan next month it’ll show that all the existing tumours are growing and that there are more. Physically, I feel fine but there are the odd niggles which are just as likely to be paranoia as anything else but it’s hard not to worry that a slight ache in my back is down to tumours in the lymph nodes growing because that’s what happened back in 2013. I also know that these pains could just as easily be the fact that my back is always a bit shit and that some of the exercise I do can lead to various aches and pains and actually that’s almost certainly what’s going on but then I spent the summer of 2013 saying something very similar. However the big difference is that at that time my bloods weren’t ok, I wasn’t eating and I felt dreadful and that’s definitely not how things are right now. The problem is that these thoughts go whizzing around in my head all the time. It’s an endless cycle of – should I worry about the back ache?…. Is it down to the exercise?…. Probably…… Isn’t that what I thought in 2013?…… Ah, but there was loads of other stuff wrong then too…….So, probably ok then……… It’s quite exhausting.
However, despite the simmering paranoia, I am determined that this period between starting treatment and my first scan can’t be wasted. I am doing lots of nice things – catching up with friends, lunches, galleries, lots of reading and generally enjoying my life as a lady of leisure. It was Andy’s birthday last week and like all birthdays and milestones it felt precious and I love that I was spending it with him. I shall never be complacent about how lucky I am that my months have stretched into years and so every occasion deserves to be enjoyed.